Back to the Grind

I am writing this Wednesday after midnight.

I pretty much took Wednesday as an adjustment day.

Adjusting from being on vacation, and back into being here alone.
Back to HW and chores.
As I took out the garbage and recycling, walking back to my house, I feel as though I'd never left.
A week's time went by so very damn fast.
Was it all just a dream?
It seems so.
Partly good, partly not-so-good.

I met people I miss, and enjoyed weather I really truly miss, as it was blustery here today.
It was hard in some ways, seeing my friend, and his life as it is right now, along with the small parts of what he told me about his past.
My heart goes out to him even more so now, and to his sister as well.
I can't be there to hug him after a hard day, nor can I get one back when I need it.
He needs it more than me though, as he really has a lot to deal with.

Part of today was reflecting on all of it - wondering how I could help, or if I did while I was there in some way.
I hope so.
Even if it was just in the hugs, companionship, support and conversations shared.
I truly miss sitting on the step with him outside and talking while he smoked a cig, or walking down to the beach to watch the sunset, and having someone to do that or all the other simple things with.
I see sunsets here all the time, and used to share them with another friend, and we've parted ways, and I miss him/that too.

Today I rang up George to let him know I was back and ready to walk again.
He was so glad to hear from me, and when I met him at the cemetery, I cried.

Quietly, at first, inside.

His dog Gus was very glad to see me too - and I was so glad to see the both of them.
As we started up the hill on our walk, I stopped him, as I couldn't hold it in any longer,
and I moved in for a hug,
and he gave me the biggest, warmest hug,
and I sobbed.
He just held me as I did.
Funny how that was - but he's a good hugger, and friend, and soon we were off with me telling him about my trip and my concerns for my friend Kevin.

Of all people, I knew he'd understand,
as George is a recovered alcoholic.

10 years now.

I watched George at his worst as well.
He recovered.

I hope Kevin can,
He worried me a little.

It was so good to meet Kev and spend time with him, but, so very hard to watch him sometimes, him so beautiful, sweet, and intelligent.

The one thing that is stuck in my head about Kevin, is that I wish I was strong and magical (or something) enough to just hold him and hug him so much and try to take away all his pain, worries, past and future issues, and make it all better in some small way.

I wanted to hug him one hundred times a day.
Hugs for past hugs mentioned online I could never give.
Hugs for future hugs I'd not be there to give.

Sometimes I wanted to hug him like a good friend.
Strong, and there for him.

Other times, like a lover.
Passionate and meaningful.

And often, as a mother would,
because his cannot.

For this very last reason, I couldn't wait to get home and hug my daughter.
Because I could.
Because she is often in turmoil too.

It was odd, as today I noticed that my phone had done some random dialing on its own over the past few days. One of the calls was to Reñan on Sat, about 8:30p, when I was at Music in the Park with Kevin and his sister. Damn Pocket Dialing. I tried to find the call details today on my mobile, and it accidentally started ringing his number instead of bringing me to the call detail screen. I quickly hung up, and felt bad. I then looked online at my statement, and found the call was six minutes long. I couldn't help but wonder what those six minutes sounded like to him.
Or if they were all recording, or?

I sent a text to apologise for both calls.
And wished him well, and sent hugs.

The part that really got to me in all of this, was that, we haven't talked for a month now - well more than a month since the last bus ride/talk.
I miss hugging him, and being hugged by him.
He is also in turmoil.
Trying to sort things on his own.
Hopefully someone is giving him hugs,
as he needs them badly too.

¡Abrazos to all!

I tried to give Kevin lots of affection and offer what I could while I was there.

It never felt enough.